The odd adventures of the Cullens and co
by Preselier
Summary: A brief collection of humor stories from the Twilight series.Want to hear about Emmett making fairy cakes? It's yours! What would happen if Alice had detention? Read on and find out! And did you order Rosalies confesion poem? No? Well it's yours anyway!
1. Chapter 1 Emmett makes fary cakes

**Emmett makes fairy cakes**

" Rose!" Shouted Emmett that morning.

" Roseeeeee!" Emmett shouted again.

" ROSALIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" Emmett blared shaking the house.

" What now Emmett? Has a grizzly bear given you a bruise?" replied Rosalie. She was obviously not in a good mood. Emmett was in Rose's room in a second. He flashed her a wide grin from ear to ear and started prancing around the room.

"No, silly, I want to make FAIRY CAKES!!!!" Shouted Emmett and quickened his prance.

"No way Emmett, I'm busy being human. Now go away." Rosalie was definitely not in a good mood.

"Awwww, pleeeeease!" persisted Emmett. Rosalie narrowed her eyes. That was Emmett's queue to leave.

Next Emmett tried Edward but he was out hunting with Bella. So now it was Alice's turn.

"Aliiiiiiice!" Shouted Emmett.

"Yes Emmett?" Replied Alice as bubbly as usual. She opened the door of her room and skipped out like a butterfly in front of Emmett.

"Let's make FAIRY CAKES!" Emmett shouted his voice booming throughout the house.

"Whoop whoop!" Shouted Alice. Hand in hand Alice and Emmett skipped down the stairs together and into the kitchen. Standing there was Jasper wearing a bight pink apron and pink rubber gloves.

"Hey Emmett, hey Alice." He said, beaming at them as if nothing mattered in the world except him doing his favourite past time- washing the dishes.

"Jaspaaaaa." Said Alice. "Jaspaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" She said again. "Jaspaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" She called for the third and final time.

"Yes yes yesedie yes yes?" Replied Jasper.

"Do you want to make fairy cakes with us?" asked Alice.

"Sure." Replied Jasper.

So the three of them set to work on gathering the ingredients. Jasper went to get the flour, milk and eggs, Alice went to get the fairies (as she had a secret alliance with the queen of the fairies) and Emmett went to get the banana skins, the corn and the spinach.

"Sooooo, what do we do now?" asked Jasper. "Do we eat it now?"

"Don't be so silly Jasper!" Said Alice with a mocking tone in her voice. "We have to mix them all first with the…urmmm… spinney thing!"

"You mean the blender?" Asked Emmett.

"Yes, yes the blender thing." So once again they took it in turns to use the spinney thing. Alice went first, but with her dainty hands she barely touched the mixture. Then Jasper had a go and managed to get the mixture just about everywhere. Finally, it was Emmett's turn. The brute force of his hands managed to mix the substance before them but also destroy the bowl! They scraped the mixture off the damp walls and put them into tiny pink paper cups on a tray. They set the oven to 1million degrees and set the timer for eternity.

An eternity later the oven went "ding ding" And Emmett, Jasper and Alice rushed to the kitchen to retrieve their cakes. The oven was very hot so they all had to wear radioactive-protection suits to make sure they didn't get burnt. Gradually Emmett took off his radioactive-protective hood, and bit into the cake. But then he instantly spat the cake out, smashed a window and threw the rest of the cakes out of the window.

"Why did you do that Emmett?!" Asked Alice.

"I'd forgotten that we don't eat food." Was Emmett's only answer. Then Jasper completely lost it.

"EMMETT YOU PRAT! WHAT THE *** WERE YOU THINKING!!! THAT'S ONE ETERNITY OF MY NEVER ENDING LIFE WASTED!!! I HATE YOU!!!!" Yelled Jasper and with that he stomped out of the room.

"Well let's look on the bright side." Said Emmett. "At least some of those pesky Fairy's are dead.


	2. Chapter 2 Alice's detention

**Alice's detention**

One morning Alice, Jasper and Emmett were in their English class at their school in Forks. It was not a particularly nice day outside, although it never really was nice outside in Forks. Nobody was really paying any attention to the teacher, Mr Barner. He was babbling on about verbs and proverbs so there was little enthusiasm from the rest of the class. Suddenly Jasper decided to brighten up the lesson.

"Hey, Alice, catch!" Whispered Jasper, just loud enough for Alice to hear, and with that he threw his pencil at her direction. Of course Alice caught it but accidentally shouted "JASPER!!"

The teacher clearly heard this as he turned around and stared with piercing eyes at Alice.

"So Miss Cullen, you think that you can be a hooligan in my class do you? Well do I have news for you! You will stand out side of class for the rest of this period and you will not make a sound! Do you hear me!? Not a sound! And then I will speak with you after class!" Mr Barner blared. But Alice happily skipped out of the class as usual. Jasper and Emmett managed to smirk at each other before Mr Barner could see them.

* * * *

After school Alice was called to Mr Barner's room. He glared at Alice with menacing eyes, but Alice just smiled casually.

"So Miss Cullen, you think that you can be a hooligan in my class do you? Well-"

"Sir you've already said that." Said Alice.

"So now you think that you can interrupt me do you?!" Well do you!?"

"Well I just have Sir so I think that the answer to that must be yes." Retorted Alice without a moment's hesitation.

"So now there's shouting in class, interrupting _and_ answering back! You've managed to cook up quite a soup missy!"

"I don't like soup sir."

"SIT DOWN!" He yelled and Alice instantly obeyed. In fact she sat down so fast that the impact nearly tingled her rear end.

"Now here is a copy of_ Dracula_. I want you to copy it from start to finish over the next two weeks, and then as homework write a review describing the contents, atmosphere and how the author makes the story gripping. You may start now." Said Mr Barnes.

"Sir." Said Alice.

"Yes?" Said Mr Barner.

"Yes?" Replied Alice.

"What?!" Mr Barner.

"What?!" This was Alice.

"WHY ARE YOU COPPYING ME GIRL!!!!!" Mr Barner blared once more.

"WHY ARE YOU COPPYING ME GIRL!!!!!" Alice again.

"AAAAAAAAAAH!" Mr Barner yelled. "GET OUT!!!"

"Yay!" Chirruped Alice as Mr Barner crashed to the floor twitching. And with that Alice skipped out of the room and down the now empty corridor.

* * * *

Alice arrived home late as expected.

"Hey Alice." Snickered Jasper. "How was your _detention_?" Jasper emphasis on the word detention was clear.

"It was fun!" Chuckled Alice. "I drove Mr Barner insane!"

"Wow." Replied Jasper. "But I suppose that you are an expert."


	3. Chapter 3 20 ways to annoy Jacob Black

**20 w****ays to annoy Jacob Black**

Ask him if he has rabies.

When he growls tell him that that's one of the symptoms of rabies.

When he's asleep wake him up and shout "Bad dog! No dogs on the bed!"

Tell him that real men sparkle.

Ask him why he imprinted on a baby.

Ask him if he's related to Sirius Black and Remus Lupin.

When he says he's not tell him that real men go out with witches(HP reference)

Kidnap Renesme and tell him she went cliff diving with Bella.

Film his reactions, and post them on you tube.

Write a book on Bella's love for Edward and give it to Jacob for his birthday.

On his werewolf anniversary, make sure the only music is 'Who let the dogs out" and "Hound dog" by Elvis Presely.

Bye him a shock collar for Christmas, and every time he swears zap him.

Write a book about how vampires are better than werewolves and give it to him as a present from Edward.

Paint his Volkswagen rabbit pink.

Get Alice to give him a makeover while he's asleep.

When he's not looking, pour glitter over him and ask him why he's impersonating Edward.

Go cliff diving and nearly drown.

When he comes to save you and he asks you why you didn't swim say "I don't know how to do doggie paddle. Can you teach me?"

When he gets angry at this zap him with his collar.

Do everything on this list in 24 hours.

Enjoy!!


	4. Chapter 4 If I were a human

**If I were a human...**

**By Rosalie Hale**

If I were a human, bold and strong,

I would lie in the sunlight all day long.

I would fly high in the sky,

In a big metal bird, looking down on Bella as if she was a fly.

If I were a human smart and tanned,

I would play an instrument and join a brass band.

With my friends I would communicate and socialize,

And on Christmas, eat delicious mince pies.

If I were a human, though my life would be short,

The idea of vampires would only be a thought.

And the pain I'm enduring,

Because there is no curing,

To what has been done to me.

By Rosalie Hale


End file.
